some final thoughts

It is not possible to sum up in one post our experience of the last eight weeks, and I will not attempt to do so here. As those of you have been kind enough to read this blog know, we had a wonderful time. Lauren and Owen exceeded our expectations in almost every way. The places we went, people we met, food we ate and stories we heard will stay with us for a very long time. We are so lucky to have had this experience, and we are so appreciative to all of those who helped us along the way.

I'll finish here with some thoughts and observations on some of the things we encountered. I doubt there is much insight in any of these, but Keri and I thought it important to share nonetheless.

Air conditioning. We had problems with the air conditioning units in every single hotel/flat that had one. This cannot be mere coincidence. Rather, I am certain it reflects the total lack of regard most Europeans have for artificially cooled air. I don't care what they say. When it comes down to it, most Europeans don't believe in air conditioning. I heard from one person that her German co-workers think it causes illness/injury (actual example: "I have a stiff neck because I used the air conditioning unit in my car yesterday"). As a result, many office buildings and other semi-public spaces have no air conditioning, even though those the cities where they are built can go weeks on end with temperatures approaching 90. Europe has many fine qualities, but it can get hot in the summer, and if you plan to vacation there between June and September, prepare to sweat.

Washing Machines. We do a lot of laundry in my family. I think Keri washes more loads in one week than I did in four years of college. Knowing that, we tried to rent flats with washing machines. We figured those machines would be slightly smaller than ours at home, and would have a dryer function, as well. Wrong and wrong. I still have no idea how a family of four washes their clothes in the places we visited. I tend to think they don't do so very often, as it is really impractical to do so with a machine the size of an Easy Bake oven and a rack-drying system that leaves all of your clothes with that lovely starched feeling. (Pictured here is the washing machine from the kitchen in our London flat. It only looks large because it is next to a European-sized refrigerator.)

Laundry Services. Because of our laundry issues, we ended up sampling bulk clothes washing services in London, Edinburgh, Rome and Pontresina. They ranged in price and quality. Bottom line is you get what you pay for. London was among the cheaper services, but I had a shirt ruined and we did get our laundry back fresh out of the dryer -- as in, someone literally dumped the clothes into a bag right from the dryer and handed back to us our bag filled with clean, wrinkled clothes. Pontresina had, far and away, the best quality, but we had to spend a portion of the kids' college fund to use it. I'm sure they'll understand when we explain it to them years down the road.

Bathrooms. Every place we went had some version of public bathrooms. They call them toilets or water closets and, like the bulk laundry services, there is a real difference in quality in the places we visited. Most of the bathrooms in the United Kingdom were good -- clean and functional. Those in Italy, on the other hand, were pretty dicey. Keri reports several times where she had to do her business into a small porcelain receptacle that stood about a foot over ground level. Good for building up quad strength, I suppose, but not for comfort. Switzerland, although is shares a border with Italy, does not share the Italian preference for toilets that make you never want to drink any water. To the contrary, I'd be shocked if Swiss bathrooms were not the finest in the world. George Costanza, American sitcom legend and a true connoisseur of public bathrooms, would appreciate the Swiss attention to the quality of their toilets. (Pictured here is my mother-in-law seated on a toilet in the tower within the Tower of London. Fittingly, I missed seeing this toilet as I was with Owen searching out an actual bathroom.)

Showers. This is one area where I am glad to report substantial progress on the part of our European allies. Years ago, one actually had to bathe -- literally -- to get clean in the Old World. Stewing in your own filth, as I like to call it. Every place we stayed had a shower, and not just the kind of afterthought, I'll attach a hand-held shower head to this tub faucet and let you try to use it without the benefit of any kind of shower curtain situation, as many of you have probably experienced in the past. With the air conditioning and laundry issues, it was really, really important the the Europeans at least employ an effective self-cleaning system, which they now have. Kudos.

Food. The food is just better in Europe. I don't know whether it the preservatives American companies put in everything we eat, but our food is just nowhere near as good. Fresh baked bread. Incredible fruits. Delicious cheeses. Tasty meats. Desserts so good that our desserts should be ashamed of themselves. (Note from Keri: Given that I pride myself on my baking, I'll try not be offended by that last statement. And, consider your Sunday night dessert buffet -- American style -- over before it started.) Really, I cannot think of a single item we ate in Europe that was worse than the same item in the States. (Pictured here is the Hotel Walther dessert buffet. Judge for yourself. I regret nothing.)

Hamburgers. Scratch that. The Europeans still have not a clue what a hamburger is supposed to taste like. In the early 90's Whit Stillman film, Barcelona, the local Spaniards think Americans are idiots, in part, because our national love affair with the hamburger. The only hamburgers the Barcelonans have tasted are, of course, total dreck; ergo, Americans cannot be trusted. At the end of the film, three of the Spanish women are introduced, lakeside in Wisconsin, to real American hamburgers, which tastes nothing like they have eaten before. Maybe these Americans aren't so stupid, after all. Sadly, this situation has seen little improvement. I have no idea why some enterprising American restauranteur has not opened up a serious burger joint in Europe, as it would change everything, raising the bar for all hamburgers across the continent -- and improving American foreign relations. A win-win. Maybe on my next sabbatical.

Exercise. Europeans exercise differently. There are some gyms, but nothing on the order of what we have here. (Nor did I see a single Lulu Lemon. I have no idea how these people call themselves civilized.) We saw some people running in London, but not really anywhere else. We saw lots of cyclists in rural Italy and, of course, lots of cyclists and hikers and mountaineers in Switzerland. Despite the apparent absence of daily, systematic exercise factories, Europeans appear to be in pretty good shape -- at least better than we Americans. I think most of this can be attributed to the benefits of having to walk everywhere. The food may have something to do with it, too. Really, I don't know, but there is something to be said for the European lifestyle.

Beds. I wrote about this a little before. European beds are about 4000% harder than their American counterparts. At just about every place we stayed, Keri had to place blankets/comforters under her side of the bed. I have no idea why there would be this different approach to bed firmness. Perhaps, the Europeans think softer mattresses are akin to air conditioning. More likely they simply don't know beds come in firmness levels other than Fred & Wilma Flintstone.

Bra fitting. [This is Keri's contribution.] What do Italian women have against under-wire bras? Everywhere we went in Italy, we were confronted by Italian boobies. And, not perky, young boobies. More like the old woman from Something About Mary with a thin, see-through tee shirt added to the image. Similar to Tim's nascent hamburger business idea, all we need here is one enterprising American brassiere mogul, a measuring tape, and some time. This will work. And the women of Europe -- and their breasts -- will thank me.

Television. American television is ascendant. It is our most innovative and important form of storytelling and satire. There are too many good shows to watch. European television, based on our very small sampling, is very much the "vast wasteland" Newton Minnow railed against when he was FCC chair. Take CBeebies (please) -- the BBC children's network. Start with the worst shows on Disney Channel and Nickelodeon, remove anything funny or non-annoying and you are about halfway there. These are the people who brought you the Teletubbies. Now, they feature such shows as Grandpa in My Pocket, Magic Hands, and Andy's Wild Adventure. They are clearly up to no good. Owen was fascinated with this channel during our two weeks in London, so we saw a fair amount of it. I don't know that I'll ever recover.

In Switzerland, I watched the opening credits to a German language medical drama. No fewer than forty people were featured -- name and picture -- in those credits. Curiosity compelled me to watch the first five minutes. I speak not more than a few words of German, but I can sure as hell recognize abysmal acting in any language, and I saw an epic amount it in the first two scenes. And, yes, the Europeans do borrow some American programming, which they dub into their local language. Although this would seem to offer some potential for importing quality American programming, the results are opposite, as most of the shows are bad shows from the 80's and 90's. I think this may be part of a broader conspiracy -- along with the hamburger -- to make the people think that Americans are total dullards. There is no other explanation.

And with that, I bid you all adieu. Thanks so much for reading, and stay tuned, as you never know when vacation and inspiration will conspire to force me back to my blogging ways.

auf wiedersehen, switzerland!

Our two week jaunt through the Alps was over. Our nearly-eight week marathon was coming to an end. We still had one night and one long (nearly twenty-four hours when all was said and done) day of travel to get through, though.

Our last night in Switzerland provided some examples of the good and bad of European travel. We stayed at the Mövenpick Hotel Zurich-Airport. As the name suggests, the hotel is a few minutes from the airport. In the final assessment, that, and the ice cream, are its two most redeeming qualities. Our room was adequate. It had two double beds, a bathroom and a television. That was about it. The bathroom was quite spartan. ("I guess no frills means no frills," announced Keri in response to the lack of an actual trash can (just a small plastic bag hung over a metal circle so precariously that the actual placement of trash in said bag caused it to dislodge and fall to the ground), lotion, or face soap.)

When we checked in, we were able to hop on the hotel wi-fi without difficulty. I was a little surprised it was so simple, and without any kind of fee, registration or password required. Regardless, we all had a couple hours of good internet access, blogging for me and critical application updates for Lauren and Owen's seemingly endless supply of games. Recent purchases include such gems as Get The Nut (Owen: "Lauren got a chickmunk game!"), Backyard Pilot (slightly disconcerting to watch your children crashing all manner of airplanes from their mobile devices in the middle of a ten-hour flight) and Cupcake Crazy Chef (is cupcake design so difficult and interesting that it merits its own game?).

Not wanting to brave Zurich's public transportation system, we opted for dinner at the hotel. We got to the restaurant, Dim Sum (at which there was no dim sum or Chinese food of any kind), at six sharp, and were the beneficiaries of Europeans' later-dining habits. Peace, quiet (even our kids were relatively subdued) and pretty good food made for a nice last meal. For dessert, we all opted for two small cones of Mövenpick ice cream. Strange, I know, that the Mövenpick company has both hotel and ice cream divisions. In any event, the ice cream was quite good, and we all appreciated finishing on a good note our eight-week dessert binge.

On our way back to the room, I overheard hotel staff telling another guest that there was no free internet access. Strange, I thought. Why would the hotel lie about this? Was this part of a thought-experiment to see if people, when told there is a cost for a valuable service that is sometimes provided free of charge, will simply not even try to see if the service can be had for free (in this case, not attempting to access the hotel's wi-fi)? Turns out, this was no test, as the wi-fi now could not be accessed without paying a fee (five francs per hour per device). I had no idea how we had accessed it for free before, and was just grateful that I had finished a blog entry.

Far and away the biggest problem with the hotel was the air conditioning -- or lack of it. I had cranked the unit in our room to max cool and fan speed. The fan was working fine, but the air coming from the vent was, to my feel, about half-a-degree colder than the somewhat warm air in the room. The combination of warmish air, three hot-blooded Ecksteins, and two double beds made for tough sleeping conditions. Owen and Lauren, apparently unaware of the causal connection between their discomfort and the covers, argued over their perceived unequal distribution of the same. None of us slept well. I woke up several times during the several hours I did sleep, usually finding one of my children awake.

When the clerk asked at checkout if everything was adequate, I said it was but that they may want to look into the unit for that room. She responded that the hotel has central air (thanks, ma'am, I'm from Phoenix -- I know a little something about that concept) and that Swiss law prevents the hotel from using the system to produce air that is more than five degrees lower than the outside temperature. Huh? We were going to catch a flight so I did not want to argue, but come on! It happened to be in the mid-70's during our time there, but Zurich can get pretty warm. Today, for example, the high was in the low-90's. Are you telling me that, as a matter of federal/cantonese/municipal law, no business may run a system that produces air cooled below the mid 80's? I know our European cousins have a general aversion to conditioned air, but that just can't be.

Our transition to the plane went relatively smoothly. We picked up at the airport train station the three large suitcases we had sent the day before, checked in and started looking for some breakfast. I realize living in the cocoon of the Hotel Walther left us a little inoculated from the crazy prices of goods in Switzerland. Our final morning provided a nice reminder of that. About five dollars each for a small bottle of water (about one-third of which was consumed before we had to throw it out in Heathrow) a small cappuccino, double espresso and hot chocolate. I suppose these prices are more affordable if you are saving so much on your electric bills.

We spent about three hours in Heathrow before catching our direct flight to Phoenix -- just enough time for Lauren and Owen to get one last item each, Lauren opting for a teddy bear to add to her impressive collection and Owen a metal British Airways plane. I don't know how or when, but I see bad things happening with that plane. (Pictured here is Owen, along with his faithful companion, Puppy. Although he appears to be a cute and benign animal, he is capable of great mischief. You have been warned.)

The flight to Phoenix was a little more than ten hours. We had upgraded to premium economy, which got us around eighteen extra inches of leg-room. That meant I could actually cross my legs, at least until the person seated in front of me went into a full recline.

I decided my best shot of staying awake -- and hopefully minimizing jet lag -- was going to be watching movies rather than reading. I opted for The Place Beyond the Pines, Django Unchained, and Les Miserables. Really strong performances in Pines, in particular from Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper. The plot was interesting, too, although it fell apart slightly in the last third of the movie. Django was better than I had thought it would be. I appreciate the discomfort some have with the language, violence (it is a Tarantino film after all) and the blaxploitation treatment given to the horrors of slavery, all within a western narrative, but the movie just plain works. Les Mis was a nice pick-me-up to get me through the final hours of our marathon. I dozed off in portions (including the part where I take it was supposed to gain even the slightest caring for Marius -- seriously, was I supposed to be rooting for him to take a direct hit of musket shot?), but caught enough to get the gist. Slightly over-the-top, but hard to not like. Damnit if I am not still humming those infectious songs. That Victor Hugo sure knew a thing or two about musical theater.

Of course, our movie-watching was interrupted, on a fairly regular basis, by the two people sitting between Keri and me. Owen pestered Keri with various issues related to his socks, shoes, headphones, multiple beverages (including the apple juice that he spilled on her), and general fidgeting. My neighbor, Lauren, started pretty strong, watching a movie, playing on her iPad and generally leaving me alone for a couple hours. Somewhere above the North Atlantic, the wheels came off. There was nothing she wanted to watch, her iPad was running low on battery life, and she needed to show me every five minutes where we were on the in-flight map. She just wanted to be home, already. Sometime after that, she said she felt sick and was non-committal as to whether she might throw up. A vomit bag and a twenty minute trip to the bathroom with me holding Lauren's hair while she bent over the toilet followed. No vomit, though, and both kids managed to hold it together through wheels down. (This picture was taken hours earlier, on our flight from Switzerland. Darken the circles under my eyes, change the expression from slightly annoyed to nearly desperate and you get the idea.)

My father-in-law was kind enough to pick us up (with his surgically-healing shoulder) in Keri's car and I got one last shot to load and unload our bags. Can't say I am going to miss moving those things. We made it home, where our beloved Charlie and Sadie were waiting for us, tails a-wagging. As far as they knew, we had been gone for the afternoon.

Lauren was up a couple times, again complaining about prospect of throw-up that never materialized. Owen slept for fourteen hours -- a gift to all four of us.

For now, it is laundry, grocery shopping and re-integrating into our life in Phoenix. School does not start for a couple weeks and I don't return to work until September, so life will remain abnormal for a bit longer. For now, though, we are just happy to be home.

heat wave? let's get some ice cream

EXCESSIVE HEAT EXPECTED. My Weather Channel App had a most foreboding weather alert for the Pontresina area on Sunday. What to do? We came all this way to avoid the heat, and now this. How are we supposed to hike in the heat wave? Okay, give me the bad news, weather app. How bad will it be -- 110? 100? Nope. 75 degrees. I do love myself some Pontresina in July.

When the "heat" descended, the Ecksteins (along with Collin and Holly) ascended -- the easy way. (As you will see here, Collin has shed his Baby Bjorn camera pack from the day prior. Too bad.) That is, we took a funicular up to Corviglia (8,150'), a small summit just above St. Moritz. Corviglia sits in the middle of a massive collection of ski runs in the mountains behind St. Moritz and Celina. I saw at least six chair lifts heading out in all directions from Corviglia. Those lifts were all shut down, though, as the summer is the time of the hiker and the mountain biker, and there were plenty of both out that day. The mountain bikers, in particular, seem to make their presence known, both on and off the trails. (The emergence of mountain biking is probably the biggest change in this place since I was last here in 1989. I am clearly getting old, as I find myself wanting to shake my fist at the bikers as they whiz by us on the trails, doing their fancy jumps and all. Damn kids.)

From Corviglia, we took a gondola up to Piz Nair (10,030'), the tallest peak that overlooks St. Moritz. The views, as with all the mountain peaks in this area, are breathtaking. Notwithstanding the "heat wave," it was really cold and windy as we stood outside. (Dan, Katherine and Jennifer are braving the elements in the name of a good photo op.)

We all rode the gondola back down to Corviglia, where we ate and split up -- my parents taking Lauren and Owen on public transportation back to the hotel and the rest of us hiking the nearly four-mile trail down to St. Moritz. From there, most of us walked back to Pontresina, back in plenty of time for dinner and our second encounter with the dessert buffet. I won't write a lot here about the buffet, other than observe it was pretty much the same layout as the week prior. I felt a bit better prepared this time, focusing my attention on the ice creams and mousses. My uncle made several passes at the buffet. He likely would have made several more had my aunt not been there to rein him in.

Our good-luck weather streak ran out on our final full day in Pontresina, as a cold rain moved in, and did not move out. I was determined not to let the weather deprive me of a last hike/run, so I hiked (quickly) the three-and-a-half miles to the Morteratsch station, and ran back. I was a little shocked to see that I was not the only idiot in the area that day, as there were several others out walking/hiking/biking. I even saw two families, including one with two small children riding mountain bikes in the driving rain. Those were two totally miserable looking children. I was soaked when I made it back to the room. In case I had any doubt about how I looked, I saw all I needed to when Keri opened the door, slowly closed her eyes, sighed, turned around, and grabbed me a robe -- all without saying a word. I think she was too impressed to put into words her true feelings.

We all spent the afternoon at the hotel, swimming, reading and talking. I would have rather the weather cooperated, but the rain did give us a chance to sit down for a while as a family. Even Owen managed to put down the iPad and join us for some real conversation. I doubt he will soon recover from that. (Pictured here is Owen manhandling the knight in armor that stands outside the entrance to the Walther dining room. This photo captures well Owen's general disregard of our instruction to keep his hands to himself, as well as his level of comfort in the hotel. If I have not made it clear before, let me do so now -- the hotel staff bent over backwards to made Lauren and Owen feel at home, and we cannot thank them enough.)

Our last dinner was uneventful. Luigi took good care of us, as he had for two weeks, meeting without the slightest visible sign of judgment or frustration each of our many, many culinary demands. The kids got their glasses of apple juice, and their chicken nuggets/steak. Keri was delivered an extra helping of wine. Most importantly, Luigi met perfectly each of our eleven different dessert orders. I am not sure how this happened, as there were two perfectly good desserts on the menu, but I was the only one to order one of them (something called a Coupe Romanov that had a scoop of vanilla ice cream sitting on top of a whole heap of cut strawberries. (It was delicious.)

Everyone else let go of whatever inhibitions had heretofore compelled them to stick to the dessert menu, instead asking for whatever the hell they felt like. Owen ordered two scoops of strawberry sorbet and one scoop of vanilla ice cream -- in two separate bowls. (When it comes to frozen desserts, Owen is a strict segregationist.) Keri got a scoop of mango sorbet and chocolate ice cream (a rarity for this low-fat frozen yogurt eater). Lauren went with two scoops of chocolate ice cream. Everyone shared in a the chocolate sauce that Luigi had placed in the middle of the table. Even my aunt splurged and put some chocolate sauce on her fresh berries. Must have been something in the air.

Most impressive was the performance of my uncle, who finished off with a flourish his two-week eat-a-thon. Kevin McHale, the old Boston Celtic, was often called the Black Hole, as once the basketball went into him in the post, it did not come back out. My uncle is pretty much the same when it comes to food, in particular desserts. Keri and I have had many dinners where we passed desserts around a table full of adults. Most of the time, those desserts make several trips around the table, with some food remaining uneaten as the plate comes to a final rest. Literally six different plates/bowls went in the direction of my uncle last night. Not a single one emerged with even a morsel of ice cream or cake alive.

This morning, we sent off my aunt, uncle, and cousins to catch their train. Keri, the kids and I followed an hour later, taking a train to Zurich, where we are spending tonight before we fly through London and on to Phoenix tomorrow. My parents are staying a couple extra days in Pontresina, and will be home by the weekend.

As we were saying our good-byes, my uncle said he looked forward to the dessert buffet at our home Sunday night. I am not sure he was kidding.

f%*! this hike and may I please have some chicken that will not send me to the hospital

"F%*! this hike." Keri Eckstein, July 26, 2013, 40 minutes short of the Tschierva Hut

It was really just a matter of time until Keri, my gentle wife, mustered the courage to state her opinion. I'm not sure whether it was the six miles we had already hiked, the muddy path we had traversed, the streams we had crossed, the rocky trail we struggled over, or the 2,500 foot elevation gain. On top of those things, I had told Keri that our destination  -- the Tschierva Hut -- was one we would see about 40 minutes before we got there, a particularly painful way to end the first half of a long hike. (Pictured here is our view of the hut and the mountains/glaciers behind it. The hut, which looks really small in this picture, is on the rocky terrain just to the left and at the bottom of the glacier.)

Keri agreed to stick it out until we saw the hut, at which point she agreed to reassess. Seeing the hut, it would seem did not change her mind, as she uttered the above-referenced statement. Dan and I agreed it was time to turn around. Truth be told, Dan and I (and Jennifer, who was a bit behind us and can not be held responsible for this group decision) were the better for it. We were sore and our feet blistered when we made it back to Pontresina -- but not nearly as sore and blistered as we would have been without a subtle suggestion from Keri.

That evening, our family was joined at dinner by our long-time and dear friend, Collin Barry. Collin grew up in Arizona, but left there (much to our chagrin) years ago. He now lives in Stuttgart, Germany, and graciously decided to come down here and see us this weekend. Collin brought his lady friend, Holly. In pure Collin fashion, it would seem that he did not provide full disclosure to his unsuspecting date as when I met the two of them and invited them to dinner it was clear that Holly was under the impression she would be meeting only Keri, me and the kids. I reminded Collin that, as we had discussed several different times over multiple months, we were in Pontresina as part of a larger family vacation, and that there were seven other family members with us. Collin unconvincingly pretended not to recall any of this. Holly, to her credit, seemed unfazed by the entire episode -- and she was further a good sport at dinner, where Owen engaged her in a lengthy Avengers-related discussion.

Lauren was feeling a little ill at dinner, so she and Keri retired a bit early. Lauren's symptoms had abated by the next morning but she declared herself very tired (i.e., she really didn't want to hike and this was a good excuse as any), so Keri agreed to stay back with her. Owen, of course, was all too easy to convince to join them. Why go outside and enjoy the Swiss Alps when you can stay inside?

I set out in the late morning with Collin and Holly for a hike on the ridge opposite St. Moritz to the Hahnensee Hut, and down to Sulej, the base of the Corvatsch station. Holly, who is not an experienced hiker, toughed out what I know was not an easy day for her. Collin, who has done a lot of difficult hiking, was continually pointing out to Holly paths that he hoped to take the following day -- paths that happened to be the most difficult and dangerous in the area. I suggested he reconsider.

Collin also brought with him a ridiculously large 35mm camera with a removable lens. A camera like that needs its own padded bag, which came along as well. What was noteworthy about this particular bag was that Collin was wearing a strap system that mounted the large bag on his chest, pretty much identical to a Baby Bjorn. Collin is one of the few men I know that could get away with such a ridiculous contraption. As I said, his absence is still felt by many in Phoenix.

The hike took a bit longer than I had expected, and, after catching a bus at the bottom of the Corvatsch, we made it back to Pontresina at 545. (Pictured here is the view of the Berninas from the top of the Corvatsch. The photo does not do the view justice.) I had not been close to this late any other day so, understandably, Keri was concerned. After much pleading, she forgave me my tardiness, and we prepared to meet Collin and Holly for dinner at the hotel next to ours -- our first adult night out since we left Arizona in early June. Cue Owen, who was "very sad" that we were leaving him (with seven adult relatives) for dinner. "I thought this summer was supposed to be about spending time together as a family," said the little man. Apparently, the last seven-plus weeks of having every single meal together -- many of which Owen was so deep into my iPhone that he would not have known if Keri and I got up and left -- meant nothing.

Some of Owen's expressed anxiety may have actually been legitimate, as he lost a tooth earlier in the day. Or, rather, he performed a self-extraction of a tooth that was probably weeks away from being ready to go -- which is how most of Owen's baby teeth have met their fate. After losing his tooth, Owen asked the front desk in the hotel whether the Tooth Fairy exists in Switzerland. (Owen stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy some time ago, and has ruined the whole thing for several of his friends. His inquiry of the hotel staff is a testament to his practical nature. He may not believe in the fairy, but he'll take advantage of those who want to perpetuate the myth if it can get him something.) Owen was told that small chocolates are left under a child's pillow. Owen asked us to make sure that was done to lessen his pain and suffering.

After multiple promises to Owen -- mostly involving the chocolate and a future ping pong game, Keri and I were released and made our way to Hotel Steinbock to meet Collin and Holly. Our dinner was fine, which is to say decent but nowhere near the quality -- in food or service -- as the Walther. As to the service, Keri asked whether the chicken on the menu was prepared with cream or butter (either of which will send her to the bathroom for the night). The waitress responded that there was cream in the pepper sauce that accompanied the chicken. Keri asked whether it could be prepared without the sauce. She said she would have to check with the kitchen.

Minutes later, she returned and said it could not be prepared without the sauce, as the flavor would suffer. Keri asked whether either of the fish items could be prepared without cream or butter. Same response. I interrupted, saying that Keri was willing to sacrifice some flavor for the health of her digestive system. The waitress said she understood. I was about to tell her that she clearly did not understand when Keri cut me off, said she would be fine with just a salad. The waitress immediately expressed deep and heartfelt sorrow for Keri's dinner being a salad, as though some third party had been the cause of this.

Keri is used to going full Sally in her ordering. I don't recall her ever getting a response like that before. Perhaps the waitress knew of her derision of the Tshcierva Hut hike and took offense, on behalf of the entire region. Either way, we made it through dinner, got back to the hotel, put both kids to sleep and made sure Owen had three little chocolate pieces waiting for him in the morning.

the little devil

We have had the exact same forecast every day of our time in Switzerland -- high around 70 with sunny skies in the morning and a 40% chance of rain/thunderstorms starting at some point in the mid-late afternoon. This forecast has been accurate, as we have seen generally sunny mornings and rainy afternoons. So, when we saw the forecast for yesterday had a 70% chance of thunderstorms all day, we figured 70% is nearly twice as much as 40%, ergo, there is really a 100% chance of rain all day. Turns out, 70% means there is a 30% that there will be no rain. Who knew? Not us, apparently, as we cancelled our hiking plans and stayed around the hotel.

That would be all good and well if we had not wanted to be outside but, we did. And, because we actually wanted the rain to come and justify our non-hike plans, Mother Nature punished us by holding off the rains until the end of the day. I know we deserve no sympathy, but it does not hurt to ask.

The no-hike day did give Lauren a chance to strong arm me into something she has been trying to do since we arrived -- tennis. The hotel has three clay courts and Lauren was most excited to put them to use. She diligently spoke to the front desk about borrowing rackets and balls and, before I knew it, I was out of excuses and on court #2. Lauren and I managed to stay on the court for nearly an hour. We were not a well-matched pair, as I don't play often enough to have the precise control I would like to have in my game. For her part, Lauren may be a bit too reliant on the precise ball-feeding of her tennis teachers back home such that a ball hit to her more than six inches outside her happy zone does not getting returned. I asked Lauren at the end if she had fun, which she said she did, so, despite the very few rallies we had, I am pleased with the result.

Today the entire Eckstein clan headed to the Diavolezza (the Little Devil), a 9,770-foot mountain that sits just below the tallest Bernina peaks, and just above the Pers and Morterasch glaciers. It has a decent amount of snow year-round, and serves as the area's most popular ski resort from October through April. My mother remarked that she could stay in the hotel on-site for a couple days, watching the sunrises, sunsets and the constantly changing look of the snow-covered peaks, with the sun moving in and out of the clouds. Two days may be a bit long, but I see her point. It is really a special place.

We got to the summit by train and gondola and walked around some, admiring the views. Owen spotted some snow/ice and started "ice skating" in it. In reality, he was walking into a snow/ice patch of some kind. With each step, he was getting his boots deeper and deeper into the snow, eventually to the point where the snow started coming in over the top of the boots. This immediately led to his observation that he now had wet socks. (Pictured here is Owen removing a sock to hug it, in hopes of making it warm and dry. By the look of it, I am not concealing very well my befuddlement with my son's judgment.)

After 40 minutes or so on the mountain top, we headed inside for some lunch. By way of background, my grandparents had a strict policy of not buying lunch in Switzerland. A breakfast buffet came with their rooms, and if there was one thing a Euro-breakfast buffet is good for, it is for making lunch. My grandmother would, without the slightest bit of shame, grab from the buffet table rolls, meat and cheese, sit down at the breakfast table, prepare several sandwiches and openly and notoriously place them in some ziploc bags. Voila, lunch.

My family had toyed around the edges of this practice over the last week, every day moving a little closer to my grandparents' strict observance. This morning, Keri crossed the rubicon, albeit with a great deal of discomfort, making sandwiches for herself and the kids, and sneaking them out of the breakfast room with her head hung low. Having gone to all of this trouble, one would expect that we would have at least eaten these breakfast-buffet-table-prepared sandwiches. Instead, once inside the Diavolezza cafe, menus were being studied, orders placed, and large plates of food emerging from the kitchen. We are not sure how we got from A to B on this one and, clearly, there will need to be some greater thought given tomorrow to how we handle all this.

After lunch, we took the gondola back down with various plans of getting back to the hotel. My parents were going to take the train with Lauren and Owen while everyone else would walk back via the Morterasch, a nice five-mile walk that is mostly level with a slight downhill grade. Keri and I had toyed with the idea of walking the other direction toward Alp Grum, where we would catch the train back to Pontresina.

As fate/Owen would have it, that walk did not come about. There was, I understand, an incident of some kind on the gondola ride down. Owen alleges that Lauren either pushed him or "compared herself to him" (his description of what she said suggests he does not understand our rule against intra-sibling comparisons). Whatever happened, Owen walked to the middle of the gondola and sulked. Several of us tried to snap him out of it, without success.

When we arrived at the bottom, we were still not able to bring him around. My parents waited for the train with Lauren while everyone else started their walk back. Keri and I did not want to leave my parents with Owen in this condition. It took some doing -- more than twenty minutes of discussion -- to get him to agree to "make good choices," freeing Keri and me to leave. At that point, though, I was concerned that we might not have enough time to make it to Alp Grum and back, so we followed the others on their walk.

We ended up walking pretty fast, in part because we walk fast, in part to work out the emotional frustration that can only be caused by your own child. Back at the hotel, we enjoyed some rhubarb cake, some m&m-like candies (that are far better than M&Ms) that the hotel gave to our children, and, really, the fact that our children were elsewhere with my aunt and uncle.

Another good dinner tonight, this one featuring an appetizer bar and a white coffee ice cream. I would further note from our dinners a growing consensus that I am married to someone who likes her wine. Lauren and Owen have, for several weeks, been saying aloud that Keri has had wine with "every dinner." (In her defense, I have had wine, too, and who does not do so when in Italy?) Apparently, this association with Keri and wine has spread, as our waiter, Luigi, has taken it upon himself to make sure that Keri has a full wine glass at all times. Tonight, Luigi giggled when he saw Jennifer give Keri the remainder of her wine that she did not want. I doubt Keri has a drinking problem but, with some moments like we had today, I would understand if she did.

my uncle does not attempt to eat his weight in desserts and the segantini is not to be trifled with

The good news is that Lauren and Owen went with us on a moderately difficult hike. The bad news is that Lauren and Owen went with us on a moderately difficult hike.

First, a few reflections on dinner at the Hotel Walther. We have eaten well. As mentioned in a prior post, breakfast is included in our nightly room rate. Dinners are more formal than any of us are used to eating -- soup, appetizer, salad bar, main course and desert courses every night. There are a couple options in each course, described in the hotel menu in French and German. Through the hard work of Lauren (with some assistance from other family members and Goggle translate), our family arrives at dinner every night with an electronic version of the menu in English. I cannot order without it. Once she got rolling with the translator, Lauren took it upon herself to produce a copy of the menu in Italian to present to our waiter, Luigi. He was very pleased to get it, complimenting Lauren on her great work. He told us a couple nights later that he was originally from Quebec. Very disappointing. I suppose it could have been worse -- he could have been from Brooklyn.

The highlight of the weekly dinner menu is the dessert buffet, which is served every Sunday night. (Pictured above are Lauren and Owen enjoying their introduction to the dessert buffet. Lauren, as you can see, has opted for two kinds of mousse, among other things. That smile is probably still in place.) My recollection from 23 years ago is that the buffet table was covered with platters of full-sized cakes and pies, and that my uncle would attempt to eat his weight it desserts. He may not have hit that lofty goal, but I am certain I saw him go back and forth at least five times to the buffet table, each time returning with a plate piled high to the point of toppling over. When you impress a 19 year-old boy with your food consumption, you are doing something remarkable.

Whether it is my faulty memory or the buffet has changed, there were few large cakes, the buffet featuring bite-sized torts, chocolates and pies, fruits, shot glasses of mousse concoctions, bowls of chocolate and vanilla mousse and ice cream and mango gelato. Everything was good -- really good, but it was different than I had remembered. My uncle ended up making only a couple trips to the buffet, as well, which was slightly disappointing. My aunt gave him credit for showing restraint. I don't know it was that, or whether he, too, was expecting something a little different and whether his heart (and stomach) just weren't in it. Perhaps some things are best preserved in our memory banks. (One other possibility is that the hotel, mindful of my uncle's past exploits, has put in place for the next two weeks a special, Eckstein Family dessert buffet. Seems like a lot of trouble, I know, but the economics of it may be justifiable.)

Sunday night's desert buffet inspired/guilted the whole group into a Monday hike from the Muottas Muragl back to Pontresina. We took a bus and cable car up to the Muottas Muragl, which is just over 8,000 feet, and offers spectacular views of St. Moritz and the Val Roseg. (Pictured here are Lauren and my mother with St. Moritz behind them.) There were a number of posters up promoting an Earth Wind & Fire concert there tonight. Not two things I generally associate in my mind.

From there, we hiked down a bit (350 feet) and up the Muragl valley, filled with flowing streams, grass-covered hills and pastures, and lots of cows. The latter led to my uncle sharing his observation that the cows, many of which were of a different hue, did not seem burdened by the same prejudices as us humans. (Pictured below are the cows that inspired my uncle's insights into human behavior.) A few minutes after this observation, we happened upon some cattle where the only two gray cows were separated from the herd. I suggested that age discrimination seems to be common to all species.

At the end of the valley, we had a choice, head up to the Chamanna Segantini (9000') and then down to Alp Languard (7640') where you can take a chairlift into town -- or walk around the Segantini to the same end. The Segantini is most famous in my family for a trip, 24 years ago, where my Uncle John took a then-sixteen year old Jennifer from Pontresina to Segantini, over to Alp Languard and then up to Piz Languard (10,700'). This hike took more than ten hours. And it was on day one of their vacation. Jennifer still bears the emotional scars from it. I think my Aunt Ronnie also broke her ankle on this mountain some years ago.

Keri advised both Lauren and Owen that they should go with their grandparents and Aunt Diane on the even path that wraps around the Segantini for a much less-strenuous hike. As is often the case, they ignored their mother's advice. The four of us hiked together most of the way up the Segantini, separating about three-quarters of the way up. Keri moved ahead with Lauren while I stayed back with Owen. I will not repeat here his complaints from prior hikes (all of which were pulled out), but I will give him credit for one new complaint (why can't we eat lunch before we hike???) and for a slightly new behavior -- laying down prostrate on the ground and declaring that he simply could not move another step. I will further say that I was no longer speaking to him by the time we got to the summit.

Eventually, we all made it to the top. (Pictured here are Katherine, Dan, and Uncle John.) There, Owen decided he needed to collect "crystals," which I think are just whitish-colored rocks. He brought over some "crystals" and placed them in glass of water that had been set aside for him to drink. He said the "crystals" needed to be cleaned. He later forgot what he had done, and took a sip of what he thought was a mix of apple soda and water. He declared it disgusting. I took some pleasure it that one. (He got his revenge, though, by sneaking his "crystals" into my wallet, which I only found this morning. I am thinking about upping the ante and placing them under his sheets on his bed.)

The four of us and Jennifer started down around 130, which turned out to be not a moment too soon. The hike down was challenging, a narrow path that hung on the side of a steep slope and had a number of places with some slippery rocks. Lauren and Owen were both pretty scared. With some small steps, slow hiking, encouraging words, and hand-holding, we all ended up getting to the Alp Languard in one piece. Steps from the chairlift, the rain started. It slowed down and then picked up as we rode the lift down, eventually becoming a nice little hail storm. To her credit, Lauren was pretty positive throughout.

Let me first say that we are proud of Lauren and Owen for getting through the hike. It took some real work to get to the top and the way down covered some legitimately treacherous terrain. The kids definitely went outside of their comfort zone and, I hope, have grown and gained confidence as a result of their achievement. That said, I think some of these hikes are just too much for them. Hikes like yesterday are probably just not worth it. Whatever confidence may be gained cannot make up for the the total misery that everyone is put through during the experience.

When we got back to the hotel, we learned that my father had fallen a couple times, injuring his calf muscle. A couple who was staying in a neighboring town helped him back to the hotel. My uncle examined him and thinks he probably tore some muscle fibers, but not enough to require surgery. My father stayed in bed last night, but was up this morning, walking (slowly) to the breakfast room, the salon and back to his room. I don't think it will heal enough for him to do any further hiking here, which is really a shame. (Although not technically on the Segantini, my father's injury was just below it, making it close enough to fairly credit this mountain with another victim.)

Between my father's injury, and some mental/physical exhaustion in the rest of the group, today was declared an off-day from hiking. Lauren and Owen were very happy, and would probably be happy to have non-hiking days from here on out, as they would prefer to spend their time hanging out with family, playing in the pool, and on their iPads here at the hotel. After yesterday's hike, their parents would not disagree.

bad naked, good glaciers

The Hotel Watlher has an indoor swimming pool and hot tub. Next to the pool is a single locker room that is used by everyone, regardless of age or gender. Down the hall from the locker room are a couple massage rooms, as well as an entry to the spa. The spa, unlike the locker room, discriminates on the basis of age -- no one under the age of sixteen is allowed. It does not discriminate on any other basis, though. And, like the locker room, clothing is most certainly optional. (My uncle took it upon himself to sneak both kids into the spa a couple days ago when no one else was using it. Owen was most happy to be breaking the rules. We think Lauren may have already confessed to the hotel management.)

I went into the sauna yesterday where there was already a couple sitting, as naked as the day they were born. They appeared slightly older than me and in average shape. I took one step in before I saw them. Having taken that step inside the room, I had a choice -- either continue in and sit down (swimsuit on, of course) as though nothing irregular was taking place, never, ever, ever looking at either of them or stop, turn around and walk out, likely offending them/outing me as the prude I am in the process. I could not think of a good way to negotiate a graceful exit so in I went and sat down on my towel. I did everything but whistle in the air and look at the ceiling in my effort to avoid looking at either person. Minutes later, they walked out. Perhaps they were offended by my attire.

Back at the spa today, Keri walked into the steam room to warm up after our rainy afternoon hike. She was met by a 60-something woman who, like my couple, had nothing on. The woman was making herself right at home, performing a series of exercises and stretches. (I actually saw the same woman minutes later, sitting down, crossing her legs and leaning in as though she was going to start cutting her toe nails. Look away, Tim, look away.) As a general matter, I would think a steam room a good place to stretch out one's muscles. The particular time and place of these exercises were, however, most certainly, a case of bad naked (another Seinfeld reference for those who have been with us for a while).

Keri and I are not sure why there is the age limit on the spa, in particular given the non-age restriction in the locker room. We don't think either of our children has been exposed to naked elderly European flesh as of yet, but it is just a matter of time. We're always happy for them to have something else to work out in therapy.

Two good hiking days this weekend. Yesterday, our third full day here, saw our hiking numbers dwindle to four -- Uncle John, Dan, Keri and me. With sufficient adult supervision at the hotel, we felt comfortable leaving Lauren and Owen behind. I should say that no two people were happier than they not to be hiking.

The four of us who did hike walked a little more than the three miles up to the Morteratsch train station, which is at the mouth of a valley at the other end of is which a glacier with the same name. The Morteratsch glacier and the Pers glacier (which runs into it) combine to make the largest glacier in the eastern Alps. They are spectacular, sitting below the snow-capped peaks of the Berninas.

Without our children, we made pretty good time to the train station. Once there, the four of us elected to hike to the Boval hut, one of a number of mountain huts in this area that are used by serious rock climbers (for food, shelter, and starting points for very difficult, technical climbs) and less serious day hikers like us (for food and destination points). The Boval is probably 1.500 feet above valley floor, just below where the serious climbers do their work. It provides incredible views of the two glaciers, the peaks that surround them, and the entire valley below. The hike there is moderately challenging, between the altitude here and elevation change. It is, as Keri said, worth every bit of discomfort given the scenery, both on the hike there and at the end. (Pictured here is one of several waterfalls that lead up to the Boval.) And no offense to our children, but not having them there may have been the best part. Silence, punctuated by adult conversation, all the while keeping a good pace and stopping only for good reasons. You know, hiking.

Today's hiking experience saw some of that, as we returned to the Morterasch, although this time with the whole group and with the intention of staying on the valley floor and hiking up to the glacier itself. My mother and aunt took a train to the Morteratsch station, and graciously took Lauren and Owen with them. Once there, we all started walking up the path that leads to the glacier. Among the interesting things about this walk is that there are signs marking the regression of the glacier by year, from 1900 to 2010. I remember coming here with my grandparents in 1978 and 1980. Memory is often not too accurate and, without signs, I would have said that I remember the glacier coming further out into the valley on those trips. Fortunately (and unfortunately), the signs back me up, showing regression of well over a thousand feet in that time.

Lauren, as before, was terrific the entire hike. Owen, as he did the first day, was a royal pain for the first twenty minutes or so. Some tough love from Keri seemed to shake him out of his funk, though, and both kids acquitted themselves well. They kept up a good pace on our walk to the glacier, climbed over rock piles, and jumped over small bodies of water, all leading up to the glacier's edge. I know this is something they will not forget. Standing beneath this massive sheet of ice and dirt, a river of water flowing out from underneath while a cold wind blows over the top of it. The scope of it is awesome and humbling.

We walked back to the train station, had lunch and my parents took the kids via train back to the Walther, while the rest of the group walked back. About one minute into our walk, the rain started. A light mist, progressing into a comfortable shower and then a steady downpour. As Dan pointed out, it was one of those rains that gets so serious so quickly you don't have sufficient time to adjust your behavior (should we think about taking a train?) or clothing (I know I have a rain jacket here somewhere) before you are totally drenched.

We made it back, though, having a good ten miles hiked today. We built up our appetites for the traditional Sunday night dessert buffet at the Walther. And, without the rain, I doubt Keri would have used the spa today, and we all would have been cheated the joy that was her one-woman show.

pontresina, val roseg and our first time without the kids in six weeks

Pontresina has long been a special place for my family. My paternal grandparents, Albert and Liese, honeymooned in this area (following their marriage in Frankfurt, Germany) and started returning to vacation here later in life. After their grandchildren came of age, Chief and Nana (as they were known to us) started taking them and their parents here to enjoy the spectacular weather, scenery and hiking. I came here when I was 8, 10, 17 and 19. This is my first time back in 24 years. It is also my first time here with Keri and, of course, Lauren and Owen.

It is a treat to be here with the three of them. It is a treat made even better to have my parents, Uncle John, Aunt Diane and my cousins, Jennifer, Katherine and Dan with us. (Pictured here is the whole group sans Dan, who was holding the camera, and my mother, who was a bit under the weather and missed out first hike.) Some of my best memories of my grandparents come from our times here. The long walks/hikes in the Engadin, games of Spite and Malice (a card game that I am pretty sure my grandmother made up to give her an excuse to talk smack to her grandchildren) and delicious post-hike cakes. We are two days into our time here now and already sharing some of these things with Keri, Lauren and Owen. These experiences would be meaningful and rewarding for my family even if I had no connection to this place. Knowing that we are continuing some kind of family tradition, and knowing how much this would have meant to Chief and Nana only adds to my own joy.

After the four of us settled in on our first night here, we met the rest of the family in the hotel lobby and made our way to the dining room. (Hotels in this part of the world typically include breakfast and dinner in their room rates. Pictured below is where we are staying, the Hotel Walther.) The menu is posted just outside the dining room. The good news is that the menu is posted in two languages. The bad news is that those languages are French and German. There is just enough high school French and German knowledge in the group to make us dangerous. We have, quite wisely, relied on our waiter, Luigi, to translate for us so far. That may change, though, as Lauren took it upon herself to spend an hour earlier this afternoon to, with an iPad (and help from Aunt Diane), attempt to translate tonight's menu. We'll see how that goes.

We are seated at a large table in a room just below the main dining room. I think that is probably for the best, as there are often some loud and potentially embarrassing things that come out of people's mouths during our meals. At least half of those can be attributed to Owen (either as the speaker or target).

Keri experienced a little anxiety as we were ordering dinner the first night. Once Luigi assured her that the kitchen could prepare meals a little more to our kids' liking than the venison and ham and melon on the menu, all was well. Pasta bolognese, steak, french fries and ice cream, so far. Between Luigi's help and the apples, Owen will not die of hunger during our time here.

We all slept well the first night, the kids in a room adjoining ours. Keri and I made some effort at running the next morning, but we need not have done so, as our first hike ended up being a nine-miler. We walked from the Hotel Walther to the Val Roseg, a glacier-carved valley surrounded by 12,000 foot mountains with two glaciers at one end. Let me first say that Lauren was an absolute champ on this hike. She kept up with everyone and did not complain a single time. To the contrary, she was, on her own, remarking about the incredible views -- rugged mountain peaks, glaciers, and lush forest.

Owen, for his part, was not so good. He started to slow down maybe a mile into the 4.5 mile up to our stopping point. If there was something that could be complained about, he was on it -- too many bugs, an unquenchable thirst, hunger the likes of which no human had ever experienced, ankle pain that could lead to amputation if he was forced to walk further, general itchiness (I'll grant him the last one as legitimate). We spent the next three and a half miles coaxing/threatening him to keep him going. To his credit (or is it ours?), he made it to our destination -- and lunch -- where I offered to let him use my iPhone while we waited if he agreed to walk back without a single complaint. Never let it be said that Owen Eckstein is not a man of his word, as he did exactly that. I'm proud of both kids. I know that was a long hike for them and they pushed through. (Owen, Katherine and Lauren at lunch are pictured here. Note that Owen is holding my iPhone. If the screen were angled toward the camera, I suspect it would show that he was playing Angry Birds or Scrabble.)

Part of the reason Owen may have been so good on the way back is that he is quite fond of the Walther. He has access to his own room key (which he still struggles to use properly), a tray of apples on every floor by the staircase, a kids' playroom complete with a ping pong table and Lego set, and a swimming pool and whirlpool. Owen has been over every inch of the hotel property, and he is making himself at home. (Keri and I were walking with him up the stairs yesterday when he picked up an apple that already had a bite taken from it. He took another bite. Following the horrified looks from his parents, he explained that is was all good -- that he had been the one who had taken the bite and placed it back sometime earlier. Well, in that case, Owen, have at it . . .)

A second great dinner last night followed by another good night sleep in this cool mountain air. Today's hike took us to St. Moritz. My mom and Aunt Diane stayed back, and Uncle John, Kath and Dan took a more difficult route to the same destination. The rest of us took a fairly flat route that cuts across the woods that sit between the two cities. I think the walk is a little more than three miles in one direction. Owen did better today, and Lauren worse, but both were pretty good. (Pictured above are my dad, Lauren and Owen at the halfway point on our St. Moritz hike.)

We ate lunch at Hanselmann's, a place we used to go with my grandparents for some delicious cakes. I think there are now a couple different Hanselmann's locations in St. Moritz, as this one did not look all that familiar. It was still quite good, though, as the adults had either sandwiches or (what I am told was an) outstanding, thick vegetable soup. Owen had spaghetti marinara and french fries. Lauren opted for a piece of chocolate cake. Parents of the year, we know. This girl of ours really does love her chocolate though, and to deprive her of it in Switzerland just seems wrong. After lunch, Lauren and Owen decided they would accompany my father back to Ponrtesina on a bus while Keri, Jennifer and I walked back.

As we walked along the St. Moritz See, Keri and I observed that we were together and without our children for the first time in six weeks. It is amazing we have gone this long. I would have thought that at least one of the four of us would have opted out of the family by now. Truly, though, Lauren and Owen have been wonderful -- better than we expected of them. Not that we are not happy to have a little child-free time. As far as we are concerned, they can spend the next ten days making new memories with the other members of our family. We will not complain.

the ecksteins' long goodbye to italy

We knew it was going to be a long day. We were going from Lake Garda, Italy to Pontresina, Switzerland. Google Maps logs the distance between those two places at 145 miles and even suggests a driving route of 3 hours and 24 minutes. We expected our trip to take around eight hours. It was closer to nine. And, no, we are not total idiots.

We were up early, got the kids dressed, the car packed and were on our way out of Garda just after 630. We pulled up in front of the reception office at Hotel Poiano, I walked in, card key in hand, said hello to the clerk and said we would like to check out. "Now?" "Yes, if that's ok." "Can you come back after breakfast?" "We're not eating breakfast here, and we have a long day ahead of us (internal voice adding, "I'm not sure why any of this matters, or why it is your business")." "I suggest you come back in ten or fifteen minutes; will that work?" "Suggest?" "Our computer is not ready yet." "Oh, so you are really not suggesting anything; you are telling me that you will not be able to do anything for another ten or fifteen minutes, right?" "Ten or fifteen minutes, and all should be okay."

Twenty minutes later, we got checked out. I'm still not sure why the hotel computer was not usable before seven. I think the internal accounting software may have been closing out the books on the prior day. In any event, it was odd. Almost as odd was the clerk informing me that there was a city tax of one Euro per person per day and that tax had to be paid in cash. The city tax I find credible, but paid in cash? The city of Garda can't process electronic payments? Hotel Poiano lacks the ability to collect the money as part of its normal billing and then pay the city directly? Something fishy is going on, and I'm pretty certain it is not all kosher.

Out of Garda, we made our way west, and then north, headed to Tirano, a town on the Swiss border where we were to catch our train to Pontresina. Our plan was for me to drop Keri, the kids and the bags off at the Tirano train station, drive 25 miles west to Sondrio return the rental car, catch a train back to Tirano and then all head up together. As crazy as it seems, this may have been the best plan possible. Although Garda and Pontresina are under 150 miles apart, those miles have two important qualities -- they include an international border and a good forty miles of some pretty serious mountains.

The international border meant we would have to pay an additional $700 to drop off the car in Switzerland, so that was out. Indeed, the only place we could drop it off near this part of the border, we were told, was in Sondrio. And large mountains, it turns out, make for some pretty slow driving, particularly in the last stretch of road going into Tirano. Neither Keri nor Lauren threw up after navigating those mountain curves, so that was something.

With the Tirano train station plugged into the navigation system, all was going well. Late into the drive, things went slightly awry as our actual route and suggested route became so disparate that we were totally off the navigation system map. That ended up not being a big deal, though, as Keri had printed out directions and we knew we were on the right road and heading for the right cities on our way to Tirano. In fact, we made it by just after ten o'clock. I unloaded my passengers and baggage, put in the Hertz office in Sondrio into the navigation system and drove off. At that point, I hoped to drop off the car, catch the 1139 train back to Tirano and make the 1250 train to Pontresina.

I arrived in Sondrio on schedule, followed the navigation system's directions precisely. "You have arrived at your destination," the system said. Strange, I thought, I don't see a Hertz sign or office anywhere. In fact, this is a really residential area and all of these buildings seem to be apartments. I know I have on my reservation sheet a street address for the drop-off location: Sondrio Downtown Office, Via Don Guanella 30. Hmm. The navigation system has taken me to that street and that city, but there is no building with that number. I try Goggle Maps with the same information and have the same result.

I drive up and down the Via Don Guanella a few times, eventually seeing number 46 on one building and 20 on another. In between, I see a large nursing home complex. I walk in with my rental reservation, looking rather pathetic. I was slightly concerned that I was going to be admitted against my will. The clerk is befuddled. Fortunately, the office manager explains to me the problem. I'm in the wrong city. Excuse me? Yes, the manager tells me, the return location is actually in Montagna in Valtellina, a town right next to Sondrio. I see. So Hertz has set up a system where its Sondrio Downtown Office is not in Sondrio, let alone in downtown Sondrio. It has further created this office in a neighboring town on a street -- Via Don Guanello -- that also exists in Sondrio. To top it all off, it has told the navigation system in its car that there is a Hertz office in Sondrio at this non-existent location. Perfect.

I eventually made it to the Hertz office. I was ready to go over in excruciating detail my experience for the poor employee who was stuck working that day. Just as I was about to begin, the clerk muttered something to me in broken English. I had not a clue what he was saying. He typed into his phone and handed it to me. "I need to see the car." Sonofabitch. The only guy in this office did not speak English. I know he lives in Italy and all, but working for an international company that rents cars for a living -- most of those cars being rented to non-Italians -- I would think that a rudimentary understanding of the English language, to include such phrases as "I need to see the car" and the like, would be in order. (The author is pictured here with his smiling daughter on their train bound for Pontresina. In retrospect, I wish I had taken some photos of my misadventure in Italy. As it was, I was a bit too focused on other things at the time.)

After his visual inspection of the car, we walked back into the office and I asked where the train station was. He said it would be a moment, looked for some car keys, and then the phone rang. Ten minutes later, what was clearly not a business-related conversation ended, the clerk handed the keys to another person in the office who was kind enough to drive me to the train station (which was, in fact, in downtown Sondrio). I got there at 1143 which, I knew was four minutes after a train had left for Tirano. The next one was scheduled for 1222, arriving at 1250 -- which happened to be the exact same time as the Swiss train was leaving Tirano. Unless my 1222 train was several minutes early, I was was looking at the 140 train to Pontresina. I emailed Keri, who had been waiting with the kids and our bags since ten, telling her the bad news.

And so it was, we got on the 140 train, emotionally drained and physically tired from the early morning and long drive through the Italian Alps. We made it, though, and enjoyed two hours of some pretty spectacular scenery as we ascended up through the Bernina Pass and into Pontresina. I did not have an altimeter on me, but I imagine we must have gone up 6,000 feet in about fifteen miles.  And the scenery -- beautiful lakes, snow topped mountains, dramatic glaciers -- was incredible. Almost made the rest of the day worthwhile.

The good trend continued when we arrived in Pontresina, as the Hotel Walther sent a van to pick us (and our luggage up). When we checked in, we were given glasses of some outstanding juice concoction. And, best of all, we got to see the reason we are here -- our family -- my parents, aunt and uncle, cousins Jennifer and Katherine (and her newlywed husband, Dan). We also walked into the lounge where the hotel had out its afternoon cake service. I had a piece of the apple cake. Damn good. Minutes later, we saw on the stairs an offering of apples for hotel guests. Owen was most pleased. I think we are going to be ok.

garda: scenic views, just not of the vacationers

We planned to end our time in Italy with some "relaxation," as Keri put it. We booked a room at the Poiano Resort just outside of Garda. The hotel overlooks Lake Garda, Italy's largest lake and, given its natural beauty and warm climate, a favorite summer vacation destination -- favorite, it seems, for Germans, in particular.

Our hotel is fine, but not great. It sits on a hill with dramatic views of the lake. The hotel has a large pool and a schedule of activities for children and adults. There is also a breakfast buffet included. On paper, it looks pretty good. In reality, it is only okay. (Pictured here are Owen and Lauren lakeside, in the scenic town of Garda.)

The children's activities, which we hoped would free us up to do some poolside reading, are pretty lame. They are all run out of a small shed on a hill just below the pool area. There was on the schedule for yesterday at 300 a "clay molding" class. No one showed at 300 other than the Eckstein children. When Owen and I went back at 330, a young Italian woman arrived and Owen asked whether she was teaching the "clay" class. She asked him to speak English. I intervened and asked again whether she was doing something with "clay." She said her English was bad and did not know what I was talking about. She further said she had some "drawing" materials. Minutes later, she brought out something that resembled play-doh. I fully realize we are in a foreign country and I don't presume to think any Italian's English should be better than my Italian. But when the hotel puts on its schedule "clay molding" is it too much to ask that the person they put in charge of it at least recognize the word "clay"?

Lauren and Owen were occupied with drawing and "clay" for the better part of an hour yesterday. They spent another couple hours in and around the pool. Speaking of the pool, I think it must have been built for some other purpose. It is 50M in length with room for eight lanes and the uniform depth required in competitive swimming facilities. It is really a very quality swimming pool -- just a bit odd for a resort setting.

We went to town last night for dinner. Garda sits in a cove on the edge of the lake. There is no beach here, just a stone boardwalk lined with hotels and restaurants. We ate at one of the hotel restaurants. Halfway through our meal, Keri observed that the hotel sign had one star on it. She further saw that the sign used to have a second star. I imagined someone from the Italian Hotel Star Association coming to the place, slapping the hotel manager in the face and, with great disgust, removing the second star, spitting on the ground as he walked away. I have no idea what one has to do to get knocked down to one star or, frankly, why a hotel would advertise its one star status. As the people who ate at the one-star hotel, I know, we are in no position to talk. The meal was not that bad, by the way, which only made me really curious as to how bad the rest of the joint had to be.

We also saw promotional posters for Die Herren, a German cover band, performing their In the Name of U2 show. The show was scheduled for 930 in the town square. We saw them setting up the stage and running a sound check, but we did not have it in us to keep the kids up to see what I feared was going to be a bad show. U2 is a tough band to cover. Indeed, I have never heard a good U2 cover, and I did not expect last night to be the first.

Our hotel breakfast this morning was mediocre. We had eaten a couple good breakfasts at our Venice hotel, and this one was nowhere near that level. This, along with our complicated travel plans to Switzerland tomorrow, have inspired us to leave early tomorrow.

After breakfast today, Owen and I had a brief game of catch and the four of us spent several more hours at the pool. For those of you who have not been to a European pool/beach, you are really missing something. There were no topless ladies today, but the swimsuits were skimpy -- far more skimpy than was warranted by most of those who wore them. (Pictured here is one of the best-dressed persons at the pool today.)

I was struck, in particular, by a 50-something man with a large stomach standing in the snack stand line wearing a suit that, for all practical purposes, was a spandex pair of boxer briefs. The view from behind was troubling. The profile will haunt me. (Keri did not have her camera or I would definitely post a picture of this, as my description cannot possibly do justice to this scene.)

We are up in our room now, the sounds of techno blaring poolside reverberating through our hotel window. We are very old, very American, or some combination of both.